The Girls, err Boys perform the 80's...

Never have I been more depressed about being a child of the 80's than I was last night. The entire show was a blur as horrible rendition after horrible rendition was shat onto my television screen.

Puke Menard leads us off with a version of "Wake me up" that's whinier than Tommynole3476 when his jokes fall flat. This guy's got a future as a nasal decongestion spokesman. His version of what was already a pretty shitty 80's tune made me want to kill myself. The only thing he could have done to be like George Michael's was slip off to the mens room for a quick wank with an undercover policeman. I hope he enjoyed his time on the idol stage, because it has without a doubt come to an end. Wake me up when you freaking die die. Ugh.

Why did it surprise me that Danielle was clever and saucy enough to select a song with "taint" in the title. Look, I have NO problems with what anyone does in their bedroom. I do know that if this "guy" stays around much longer, I will have to de-gay my television and living room. I guess there's something to be said for completely embracing your sweetness, as Danielle has obviously done. It's pretty sad when the 10 year old in my house says "He doesn't sound like a girl when he sings." Out of the mouths of babes... Sadly, the singing isn't good. It's a cross between a bad drag queen show and some kind of bizarro broadway. That being said, I hope you stick around, because I'll be able to write some things that will totally nail your ass. No Danny, I didn't mean it like that.

David Archuleta's American Idol adventure sponsored by Zoloft continues on...could this kid be any more depressing? He's got great talent, but he's a total freaking downer. I hope he picks up the pace next week. He's obviously safe.

Michael Johns murdered that Simple Minds song. I hated it with a passion. I thought that it didn't fit his range and he tried to do too much with it.

Chikezie was okay. He's stuck in that genre though. He looks like the fat Star Jones and Gerald Levert had a kid.

David Hernandez channels Celine and he almost pulled it off. I'm indifferent about him.

I was hoping Nicole Ritchie would run on stage and vomit on David Cook for ruining her Dad's classic "Hello." I hated it. It was a 90's grunge rock version of an 80's song. Boo.

Ladies are up tonight, here's hoping we see some unitards, feathered hair and big hoop earrings.