Idol Rant for 4/17/07

Idol Rant 4/17/07

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Heavy hearts in Rantville tonight for all of the Va Tech community. Nothing lifts my spirits like bashing the crap out of some people though, so off we go.

Phil – Good job, Mr. Penis Head. A hat should be like your American Express card…don’t leave home without it. Nicely sung though. Country is probably your niche.

Jordin – Praise the Lord and pass the peanuts! Not only does this girl have the most perfect teeth on the planet, she is going to win this competition. The ONLY thing I don’t like on her is the nose piercing. Otherwise, she’s got this thing won.

Sanjaya – Something to Talk About. I wish they’d take one of my questions before you sing…”A question for Sanjaya from Nolezfan in Florida….’Sanjaya, Is it true that you have the whitest teeth Clay Aiken (for some dick) ever came across? Is it true that your hair came into being when a pack of hedgehogs gang-raped a chinchilla?’ Sweet God, you can’t sing. I mean, not at all. I’d like to give the homicide detectives where you live something to talk about. I’m actually running out of ways to bash you, which is saying a lot. Would that we could simply travel back in time and stick the placenta in a diaper and raise it to sing and put it on the show…I mean, we’d be better off, wouldn’t we? You’ve simply got to be in the bottom 3 this week… you just have to.

Lakisha – Where did that lithp come from? I’d never noticed that her mouth cants off to the side when she talks. She must have wrecked one too many peckers in her day and got her mandibles all knocked out of alignment. Mad props to you though for upping the fabric quotient. Your song however, was atrocious. You sang “Jesus, Take the Wheel” and it made me want to scream “Jesus! Shut your Mouth!” The pitch on the whole thing was like an elephants ass, it was high and it stunk. The gap in her teeth was so big I didn’t know whether to smile back or kick a field goal. Seriously, she could floss with jump rope.

Chris – First of all, the front belt tuck is right there behind letting your pants hang off your ass as the stupidest fashion trend in history. I hate to be the Captain of the S.S. Whiny Bastard, but you are leaving me no choice. You sounded like Rascal Crap. I’ve hocked up snot clods that were less nasally than you. Then, to top it all off, you want to get obnoxious with the judges. Welcome to Prickville, Chris Richardson, Mayor. Population: 1.

Melinda – I’m not so sure a shoulder baring dress was the answer here. This girl looks like she could suit up for at least 10 teams in the NFL, not that they would be able to find a helmet that would fit. This chick definitely has the biggest face in the music business. Good singing, playing it safe, letting the idiots eliminate themselves.

Blake – His douchebaggery factor increases by the week. He is starting to become like Phil to me, like a big, fat nothing. Just bleh. Nice job trying to pull off country week in a sleeveless argyle sweater vest. What a freaking tool.

Sanjina, Lakisha “Back Rack” Jones and Chris “Mayor of Prickville” Richardson are my bottom three with Kiki and her 7 tits getting the boot.

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