Final Idol Rant - 5/22/07

Last week, Elliot Yamin sang on the show and with his new and improved dental implants proved that success on Idol can be a vehicle to have physical flaws repaired, so I guess Melinda will be getting that neck implant after all.

What in the birthday cake is going on with Randy's jacket? It looks like he spent the night at Michael Jackson's house and rummaged through the King of Pop's closet before he got the hell out of Neverland.

Paula looks like she tripped over every dog in Southern California. It looks like a 1st grader put her lip gloss on and combed her hair with an egg beater. Way to look like you just rolled out of bed, Paula.

I'll just go over these two one at a time...

Blake starts off with "You Give Love a Bad Name" and as irritating and hideously ugly as this waste of a placenta is, he does do some cool stuff with his voice. He is my early odds on favorite to win a new show that I have in the works called "American Sound Effects." Stay tuned for showtimes.

Is that a "Blake Takes the Cake" sign I see? Looks like someone did well in Rhyming class at Rhyme State University in Rhymesville, Wisconsin. Blake does take the cake for goodness sake. I wish someone would hit him in the head with a rake so we could partake of his wake down by the lake.

As the emo douchebag that is Blake Lewis stumbles through the flash-in-the-pan Maroon 5 hit "She Will Be Loved", it becomes apparent to me that this guy is in over his head like Joe Pesci as Nicky Santoro in Casino. He's just not a singer. Can he carry a tune? Sure, but he just doesn't have the chops to grab that mike every night and entertain people with his voice. I don't have anything against the guy, I think that he and his boyfriend will lead a very happy life with Blake realizing much success in the music industry as a producer, etc. Armageddon, fellas!

What is Joy's deaf lawyer from My Name is Earl doing in the crowd? Shouldn't she be working on the case?

Thanks Fox for the gratuitous shot of Kathy Griffin in the audience. We are all less funny now for having seen that.

Jordin's first song choice was a little shocking, but I think she wanted to show she would take a risk. It worked for her since she followed "Fighter" with "Broken Wing." Wow...a complete homerun.

When I heard B-Lake sing the finale song (written by the two morons from Seattle) I knew he was toast. He just doesn't have the strong, powerful, step-on-the-gas voice needed to pull off a ballad like that. The song in itself was pretty basic for a competition winning entry. No key change, no bridge to build to the final payoff chorus... (Think "A Moment Like This") The lyrics were remotely clever, but overall I wasn't impressed that this was the best entry out of the thousands they must have received. I'd hate to hear some of the bad ones.

Jordin clearly smokes Blake in this finale and as I've said all along, will win American Idol. Where she goes from there will be up to the music buying public and the people at 19 entertainment.

Thanks for reading this season, it's been fun bringing you my admittedly warped take on these Idol contestants.

Check back from time to time, I just might start ranting on other things...