Idol Rant for 5/1/07

I'll just get right to it...

He who can never see the light of day leads us off with a rousing version of Blaze of Glory wearing a jacket that looks like it was the backseat pleather cover off a rusty 79 Datsun where, in sweaty awkwardness, your parents conceived you. By the time you finished singing, your dome was sweating like Rosie's gynecologist. Your singing was not bad actually, I think you're okay, although I don't know if the rest of America likes you or not. The whole vampire thing is so 1984....

Was that a huge herpe on Jordin's upper lip? Look, you know Jordin is my favorite and hopefully last weeks good showing will save her, but with the fashion and hair design by Morticia Adams and a vocal that sounded like a hyena screwing a cardboard box with a styrofoam condom, this wasn't good for her. Livin on a Prayer indeed...

I hope Lakisha isn't dressing herself. The horizontal red accent stripe on a black dress made her mammaries look like the two biggest chocolate dipped cherries in the universe. Did she just say that she wanted the camera to get her slim side? Unless they can rewind to when she was in utero, I don't think we have any skinny pictures of this girl. She's clearly playing the stretch denim endorsement angle with those horrid pants. Her song wasn't bad, but I didn't think it was good either. This coupled with her performance (or lack thereof) last week make her a prime candidate to depart.

Blake - "Shot through the heart and you're to Beep beep b-b-b-b-b-blame, You give Douchebaggery a ba-ba-ba-ba-bad name. The lipless wonder strikes again with some tripe that Tom Cruise loving idiots the world over are sure to head straight to Wal-Mart to pick up. What was that I said last week about this guy being one bad dye job away from being a certifiable emo douchebag? Well, true to form, B-Lake busts out with some dark hair, which, if it's even humanly possible, made him uglier. His "singing" was the most ri-damn-diculous thing I've ever heard, but the 12 year old girls that put their pink RAZR on vibrate, stick it between their legs and wait for their friends to call are sure to vote for this prick. You make me wish the walking uterus that was Sanjaya was still here. At least he knew he was a joke and embraced the role. You are controversial enough to stay safe, which is good, cause next week I am going to jump on you like Oprah's couch.

Hey Chris...You're a moron....on a dilllllldo you ride....you're wanted....dead or alive. Well, I choose Dead. Is that a Members Only Jacket? What a dumbass. You are definitely, unequivocably going home, without a doubt, you whiny assed side of the mouth singing bastard. Bank it.

The Neckless wonder that is Melinda Doolittle stumbled through "Have a Nice Day." She never has to worry about getting strangled, so that's a plus. She's safe. Lakisha definitely goes before her.

Chris, Lakisha and her back rack all go home this week. Chris will cry like a little bitch tonight which will amuse me.

Until next time...Peace and Chicken Grease.