Bonus Idol Rant - Idol Gives Back

What was billed as the biggest Idol show ever starts out with Ryan Seacrest stepping all over his dong during the first 5 seconds of the broadcast. Ryan's reading makes it seem like he's from Eastern Kentucky. More on that later.

Earth, Wind and Forehead kicks off the show and their bassist must be Paula's supplier. He is smiling like a little kid at a Michael Jackson sleepover.

Right away, the Idol bastards try and tug heartstrings by featuring a story about a 7 year old kid, Grumman who is raising his sister. No bedtime, no rules, no parents to bust your balls, maybe he doesn't realize how good he's got it? Instead of donating money, I sent him some menthol cigarettes and a subscription to Maxim. Kid's got a lot on his plate, he might as well have some vices.

Who in the name of all that is good and holy are these Il Divo characters? It's like they snagged four ridiculous looking latin men, gave them each a microphone and said "Sing something." The one guy had the worst case of ass eyes I've ever seen. His eyebrows were cutting and juking around on his face like Ladanian Tomlinson playing in a Pop Warner game. The Rock's eyebrows were like "Oh Snap!" Then the high tenor in the group goes for the big note in "Somewhere" and to hit it, his upper lip peels back revealing two chiclets that were so damn big they gave Barbaro tooth envy. John Elway's teeth filed an immediate infringement lawsuit as the patentholders on the "largest teeth ever."

Quick, someone stab Ben Stiller.

Paula's turn now as she schleps over to a Los Angeles area Boys and Girls club where she breathes on some kids and they get drunk off the fumes. She asks one brilliant little girl "Where would you be if you weren't here?" Einsteinette replies "I would be like somewhere else." When Whitney sang "I believe that children are our future..." I don't think she meant *this* one. Cut back to a shot of the stage of Ryan and....Ladies and Gentlemen, Paula Abdul's Tits! Good grief...

Carrie takes a trip to Africa to shoot a music video with a bunch of kids holding Carrie voodoo dolls. Run Carrie, Run! Damn, that girl can sing and she is easy on the eyes.

Rascal Fatts takes the stage and the lead singer has more chins than a Chinese phone book. I've never seen them live and don't think I want to after this.

Jack Black is hilarious and has a decent voice. They should have had Seal do a duet with him. That would have been sweet. I call shenanigans on the fact that Seal was on the show without his smokin hot wife.

Do they not have Hooked on Phonics in Eastern Kentucky? I mean, I could get really cruel here, but I won't. I'll just say that there ain't no lovin like Kentucky lovin. I believe the woman that said she couldn't read. Hopefully they'll come out with birth control with picture instructions so she can stop crackin out the youngins. There's apparently something she's good at...

Kelly Clarkson...Kelly...my sweet Kelly....damn she can sing. I'd always heard that she was none too fond of the Idol people and I couldn't help but notice that she sung and never really said anything. Oh well, at least she was on the show. She was looking and sounding fantastic last night.

Did anyone else catch the gap in Lakisha's shirt when she stood up to receive her results? It was like staring into a bottomless chasm...interesting.

Oh my God! It's Elvis! Wow...he's totally ignoring Celine Dion. Come on King, look at her. Good grief...what a pompous ass. Okay, done singing now, give her a hug King. Come on...nothing. Forrest Gump teaches this prick to dance, he comes on America's most popular television show and just acts like he's not even there. I am disgusted. Anyone want to buy a velvet Elvis painting? Mine will hang on my bedroom wall no more...

I called this "shocking results" bullcrap about halfway through the show. I've heard a lot of people are pissed about it. I actually like it because I don't have to worry about losing someone to bash for next week.

All in all an entertaining "results" show turned charity drive and a great reason to write another rant...