Idol Rant for 5/8/07

As the Final Four contestants lined up on the stage, all I could think was..."YO! Where the white women at?"

Melinda leads us off and what in the name of all t hat is good and holy happened to Barry Gibb's lips? Did he swim to LA from the Arctic? His lips are thin and blue, he looks dead. I thought Robin was the one that kicked it? At any rate, Melinda and her facial pores that are the size of manhole covers gave us a very blah version of Inside and Out. This girl is built like a freaking tree stump and her singing (tonight at least) was about as exciting as a colonoscopy. Oh and lookie there...someone let Paula loose in the eye shadow store.

Rumor has it that if Blake wins, www.douchebags.org will sign him as their new spokesdouche. I hope they do show tunes week, because this clown would be right in his element if they did. He couldn't look any more like Mr. Sugarpants if he had a hot pink feather boa and a penis microphone. I know a lot of the ladies like Blake. Blake likes you too....likes you to send him pictures of your man that is... Is that a blonde streak in his hair? Good grief. I wonder how far he had to chase the Asian gigolo he stole that jacket off of. With the other three contestants and their singing style being similar, you are the one piece of chicken breast in a bucket full of legs. Because of that, you'll be here for at least another week when you can go all B-Lake on a song, rehashing your tired ass cheesy vocal effects. I'd like to beat you with a box of hammers. Moron.

I know Lakisha (aka WonderTits) did not just jiggle out on stage in a pair of spandex stretch pants. The only people who enjoyed that were the engineers that were able to upgrade the tolerance of the tensile strength of their product. She looks like a damn channel catfish wiggling on a trotline in that getup. Her song was horrible. I mean, neveryoumind notes or pitch or the melody or any of that other musical nonsense there KiKi. Just bend at the waist (does she even have a waist?) Just bend at the middle and sing high and loud and hold your hand in the air every so often and the musical idiots in the audience will stand and clap. You are a wreck. Your teeth are so far apart they're lonely. Your second choice of outfit made you look like a double stuffed mint oreo with boobs. Ugh.

Best effort of the night from Jordin, but who made that shirt? Omar the tentmaker? Don't blow it on wardrobe. You're the only one worthy of winning this thing as I'm watching KiKi and Blake implode right before my eyes. It wouldn't hurt you to sing in tune either. You definitely caught a little bit of KiKi-itis on that Streisand tune. The other three people suck so bad, you should be a shoe-in to win this thing...please don't blow it.

Lakisha goes tonight. She's had no business hanging around this long. She and Melinda are too similar to keep splitting votes so Kiki and the Twins get the boot tonight.