Idol Rant for 4/24/07

This idol rant was slightly delayed by the fact that I was visited by a wicked case of the mudbutt Tuesday evening. My sincerest apologies...

Off we go.

Chris sang "Change the World." The whole time, I was wishing I could just 'Chaaaaaaaaaaange the channel...." I couldn't help but notice that after you stuck your foot firmly in your mouth last week regarding "nasally" vocal technique, you came out sounding not very nasally at all. Perhaps you read the blog and you've decided to change your ways. Or, perhaps not. Has your head always been shaped like the head of that thing from Harry and the Hendersons? I'm glad you dressed up for the night...dress shirt, tie, jacket with faux tie sticking out at an angle (?) and OD green cargo pants. I mean, cause that's what *I* wear with a jacket and tie. The whole singing out of the side of that face hole you call a mouth is starting to really piss me off. I'd invite all the starving kids in Africa over to my house for grits and eggs if I could just kick you dead in the nuts one good time. Go home, NOW.

Melinda sang "There Will Come a Day." I can only hope that there doesn't come a day when you become addicted to blow because with nostrils like that, you're going to be able to snort a gram in one rail. Hey, if it happened to Whitney, it can happen to you. That being said, boy howdy can you sing...very nice job with a relatively unknown song. It warms the cockles of my heart to see that you haven't allowed this "fame" thing to keep you from shopping for dresses at the Piggly Wiggly. Is that the best the stylist could do? Keep doing your thing...you'll be safe this week.

Now everybody sing along...
"Imagine Blake with a decent haircut...
Or with a sense of style
Or having sex with a woman....
Or without his face looking like his leviathan of a nose devoured his upper lip for a snack....
This asshat is one bad dye job away from being a certifiable emo douchebag. I am thoroughly bored by this clown and his shenanigans as he and Snotmouth are morphing into each other more and more each week. Maybe we could get a two for one and they can both go hump a post.


This just in, kids in Africa are starving. Thanks Ryan.

I think Lakitha's lithp ith getting worth by the thecond. She sang "I Believe" (which isn't a good song when sung by Fantasia, who couldn't read her way out of a Hogtown bathroom stall) but I digress. However, "I Believe" that it's obvious that she and Melinda went dress shopping at the flea market together. There's more of her hanging out of that dress than there is in it. "I Believe" her bra size is 40 Long. "I Believe" her pit titties don't get the attention they deserve. "I Believe" this girl could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence. "I Believe"...she's in the bottom 2...... Or 8 if you count all of her breasts.

Did Ryan seriously tell Phil's kids that their Daddy was famous? Wow. The rotating camera exaggerates that the side profile of this guys dome is astonishingly ridiculous. He looks like a watermlon headed mannequin on crack.

Now, cut to the video of Simon being nice. Look how nice! Simon visits a food pantry for hungry people. Only a nice person would do that. Nice people don't roll their eyes at someone that makes a remark about the shootings at Va Tech. Nice people hug strangers that volunteer to feed the icky hungry homeless people...look how nice he is. I mean, seriously. The producers of this show must take 90% of this country for a bunch of freaking morons. I had to pick my feet up off the floor because of all of the bullshit flowing out of my television....

Jordin...my sweet, sweet, underaged phenom Jordin....my luscious super fine mocha latte' princess...she gave "You'll Never Walk Alone" the Jordin treatment and it was incredibly done. I agreed with Nice Simon that her rendition of that classic could be a hit song. (I still very slightly prefer the Madison Scouts version, bonus points to you if you even know what the heck that is...)

I may write an additional rant tomorrow night to bash the snot out of all of the supah-stars that are singing on the results show, where Ryan will undoubtedly let us know that the kids in Africa are hungry and they have a ghastly fly problem over there. Thanks to all of you who visit and read this garbage. Rock the LR, Rock the MF Forum, Rock DZFriends, Buzzlife and Pole Vault Girl. Rock proofreading and feedback from HP and Leeber on the rants. Crush working for the man, cases of the mudbutt and cold toilet seats.




Until next time, Peace and Chicken Grease.