American Idol - Season 7

I usually wait until the top 12 to begin, but what the hell, let's get this party started.

The boys and a couple of girls started us off last night and it's really an easy show, because you can suck, just suck a little less than a couple of other people and you'll be around next week. That being said, these guys did a lot of sucking.


David Hernandez - He was pretty good. His voice is strong, he just looks a little weird and did you see his Dad? Dude is 500 pounds if he's an ounce. He should be around a while though, great voice. David I mean, his Dad won't be around much longer.

Chikezie - Goodness...I'd like you to introduce you to my friend "Pitch" because you damn sure haven't met him yet. He was all over the place, and was really, really bad, but he's not in danger because several people out-sucked him, big time.

David Cook - I can't remember what you sang...not a good sign for you. Points for the soul patch, but that's it.

Jason Yeager - Moooooooooooooooooon Riverrrrrrrrrrrrr....ugh. I was ready to cut my ears off my head and FedEx them to Lithuania so they wouldn't have to listen to you warble your way through this tune. If Captain Steubing calls and offers you a job, take it. You are gonna be gone from here right quick like. I won't even start in on his kid yet...I don't think it will be necessary.

Robbie Carrico - He's pretty good, and I don't normally favor the rock type singers on this show. He should be okay for a while.

David Archuleta - Okay, the kid can sing, I'll give him that, but he's very annoying. Great voice, great smile, but the "aw shucks" routine played thin with me after about 9 seconds.

Danny Noriega - Danny, Danny, Danny...holy Jesus, where to begin? I never thought I'd have to deal with someone as annoying as Sanjaya again, but here you are. You won't win this thing, you have no shot, I mean, It's American Idol, not American Boy Who Thinks He's A Girl Who Can Kind Of Sing A Little. Nice call on the skinny jeans, they accented your feminine figure. After years of being skeptical, I am now certain that Elvis is dead, because if he wasn't, he would've walked on stage and kicked your ass for what you did to Jailhouse Rock. You are the epitome of suck and you are in danger of leaving, which is a damn shame, because I would have had some serious fun ripping you a new one every week.

Luke Menard - Too bad you can't just stand there, or you might win. Unfortunately for you, you have to sing, which you made a miserable attempt at last night. Someone described you as a cross between Hugh Jackman and Orlando Bloom (props to fsugrad for the find.) I describe you as a cross between bamboo needles in the ear and a .357 to the temple. P.S. Danny wants to know if you like him? Check yes or no.

Colton Berry - Dingle Berry is more like it. Just when Danny was fretting about being the most flambouyant fella on the show, you come along and muck it all up. You are horrid. Stop singing. You should only use your mouth for things you're good at, and we can all imagine what that might be. P.S. Danny wants to know if you like him? Check yes or no.

Garrett Haley - Holy shit! Luke and Colton really suck, but you come along looking like Lief Garrett had sex with a stick... Are you seriously on this show? You can't sing. At all. Stop it. No, seriously. Not even Danny likes you, and he's the biggest whore there is! You have to go, soon or I am going to break my television.

Jason Castro - I had an adverse reaction to you on site, but after I listened for a bit, I changed my mind. I think you've got some talent and after the three people that went before you, you have no fear of leaving.

Michael Johns - This guy is the real deal. He'll be around a while and he's not annoying, so that's a plus.

I'm not sure if they're kicking one or two off Thursday night, if it's two, Garrett and Colton are done. More tomorrow after the ladies sing tonight.