Bonus Idol Rant - Idol Gives Back

What was billed as the biggest Idol show ever starts out with Ryan Seacrest stepping all over his dong during the first 5 seconds of the broadcast. Ryan's reading makes it seem like he's from Eastern Kentucky. More on that later.

Earth, Wind and Forehead kicks off the show and their bassist must be Paula's supplier. He is smiling like a little kid at a Michael Jackson sleepover.

Right away, the Idol bastards try and tug heartstrings by featuring a story about a 7 year old kid, Grumman who is raising his sister. No bedtime, no rules, no parents to bust your balls, maybe he doesn't realize how good he's got it? Instead of donating money, I sent him some menthol cigarettes and a subscription to Maxim. Kid's got a lot on his plate, he might as well have some vices.

Who in the name of all that is good and holy are these Il Divo characters? It's like they snagged four ridiculous looking latin men, gave them each a microphone and said "Sing something." The one guy had the worst case of ass eyes I've ever seen. His eyebrows were cutting and juking around on his face like Ladanian Tomlinson playing in a Pop Warner game. The Rock's eyebrows were like "Oh Snap!" Then the high tenor in the group goes for the big note in "Somewhere" and to hit it, his upper lip peels back revealing two chiclets that were so damn big they gave Barbaro tooth envy. John Elway's teeth filed an immediate infringement lawsuit as the patentholders on the "largest teeth ever."

Quick, someone stab Ben Stiller.

Paula's turn now as she schleps over to a Los Angeles area Boys and Girls club where she breathes on some kids and they get drunk off the fumes. She asks one brilliant little girl "Where would you be if you weren't here?" Einsteinette replies "I would be like somewhere else." When Whitney sang "I believe that children are our future..." I don't think she meant *this* one. Cut back to a shot of the stage of Ryan and....Ladies and Gentlemen, Paula Abdul's Tits! Good grief...

Carrie takes a trip to Africa to shoot a music video with a bunch of kids holding Carrie voodoo dolls. Run Carrie, Run! Damn, that girl can sing and she is easy on the eyes.

Rascal Fatts takes the stage and the lead singer has more chins than a Chinese phone book. I've never seen them live and don't think I want to after this.

Jack Black is hilarious and has a decent voice. They should have had Seal do a duet with him. That would have been sweet. I call shenanigans on the fact that Seal was on the show without his smokin hot wife.

Do they not have Hooked on Phonics in Eastern Kentucky? I mean, I could get really cruel here, but I won't. I'll just say that there ain't no lovin like Kentucky lovin. I believe the woman that said she couldn't read. Hopefully they'll come out with birth control with picture instructions so she can stop crackin out the youngins. There's apparently something she's good at...

Kelly Clarkson...Kelly...my sweet Kelly....damn she can sing. I'd always heard that she was none too fond of the Idol people and I couldn't help but notice that she sung and never really said anything. Oh well, at least she was on the show. She was looking and sounding fantastic last night.

Did anyone else catch the gap in Lakisha's shirt when she stood up to receive her results? It was like staring into a bottomless chasm...interesting.

Oh my God! It's Elvis! Wow...he's totally ignoring Celine Dion. Come on King, look at her. Good grief...what a pompous ass. Okay, done singing now, give her a hug King. Come on...nothing. Forrest Gump teaches this prick to dance, he comes on America's most popular television show and just acts like he's not even there. I am disgusted. Anyone want to buy a velvet Elvis painting? Mine will hang on my bedroom wall no more...

I called this "shocking results" bullcrap about halfway through the show. I've heard a lot of people are pissed about it. I actually like it because I don't have to worry about losing someone to bash for next week.

All in all an entertaining "results" show turned charity drive and a great reason to write another rant...

Idol Rant for 4/24/07

This idol rant was slightly delayed by the fact that I was visited by a wicked case of the mudbutt Tuesday evening. My sincerest apologies...

Off we go.

Chris sang "Change the World." The whole time, I was wishing I could just 'Chaaaaaaaaaaange the channel...." I couldn't help but notice that after you stuck your foot firmly in your mouth last week regarding "nasally" vocal technique, you came out sounding not very nasally at all. Perhaps you read the blog and you've decided to change your ways. Or, perhaps not. Has your head always been shaped like the head of that thing from Harry and the Hendersons? I'm glad you dressed up for the night...dress shirt, tie, jacket with faux tie sticking out at an angle (?) and OD green cargo pants. I mean, cause that's what *I* wear with a jacket and tie. The whole singing out of the side of that face hole you call a mouth is starting to really piss me off. I'd invite all the starving kids in Africa over to my house for grits and eggs if I could just kick you dead in the nuts one good time. Go home, NOW.

Melinda sang "There Will Come a Day." I can only hope that there doesn't come a day when you become addicted to blow because with nostrils like that, you're going to be able to snort a gram in one rail. Hey, if it happened to Whitney, it can happen to you. That being said, boy howdy can you sing...very nice job with a relatively unknown song. It warms the cockles of my heart to see that you haven't allowed this "fame" thing to keep you from shopping for dresses at the Piggly Wiggly. Is that the best the stylist could do? Keep doing your thing...you'll be safe this week.

Now everybody sing along...
"Imagine Blake with a decent haircut...
Or with a sense of style
Or having sex with a woman....
Or without his face looking like his leviathan of a nose devoured his upper lip for a snack....
This asshat is one bad dye job away from being a certifiable emo douchebag. I am thoroughly bored by this clown and his shenanigans as he and Snotmouth are morphing into each other more and more each week. Maybe we could get a two for one and they can both go hump a post.


This just in, kids in Africa are starving. Thanks Ryan.

I think Lakitha's lithp ith getting worth by the thecond. She sang "I Believe" (which isn't a good song when sung by Fantasia, who couldn't read her way out of a Hogtown bathroom stall) but I digress. However, "I Believe" that it's obvious that she and Melinda went dress shopping at the flea market together. There's more of her hanging out of that dress than there is in it. "I Believe" her bra size is 40 Long. "I Believe" her pit titties don't get the attention they deserve. "I Believe" this girl could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence. "I Believe"...she's in the bottom 2...... Or 8 if you count all of her breasts.

Did Ryan seriously tell Phil's kids that their Daddy was famous? Wow. The rotating camera exaggerates that the side profile of this guys dome is astonishingly ridiculous. He looks like a watermlon headed mannequin on crack.

Now, cut to the video of Simon being nice. Look how nice! Simon visits a food pantry for hungry people. Only a nice person would do that. Nice people don't roll their eyes at someone that makes a remark about the shootings at Va Tech. Nice people hug strangers that volunteer to feed the icky hungry homeless people...look how nice he is. I mean, seriously. The producers of this show must take 90% of this country for a bunch of freaking morons. I had to pick my feet up off the floor because of all of the bullshit flowing out of my television....

Jordin...my sweet, sweet, underaged phenom Jordin....my luscious super fine mocha latte' princess...she gave "You'll Never Walk Alone" the Jordin treatment and it was incredibly done. I agreed with Nice Simon that her rendition of that classic could be a hit song. (I still very slightly prefer the Madison Scouts version, bonus points to you if you even know what the heck that is...)

I may write an additional rant tomorrow night to bash the snot out of all of the supah-stars that are singing on the results show, where Ryan will undoubtedly let us know that the kids in Africa are hungry and they have a ghastly fly problem over there. Thanks to all of you who visit and read this garbage. Rock the LR, Rock the MF Forum, Rock DZFriends, Buzzlife and Pole Vault Girl. Rock proofreading and feedback from HP and Leeber on the rants. Crush working for the man, cases of the mudbutt and cold toilet seats.




Until next time, Peace and Chicken Grease.

Idol Rant for 4/17/07

Idol Rant 4/17/07

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Heavy hearts in Rantville tonight for all of the Va Tech community. Nothing lifts my spirits like bashing the crap out of some people though, so off we go.

Phil – Good job, Mr. Penis Head. A hat should be like your American Express card…don’t leave home without it. Nicely sung though. Country is probably your niche.

Jordin – Praise the Lord and pass the peanuts! Not only does this girl have the most perfect teeth on the planet, she is going to win this competition. The ONLY thing I don’t like on her is the nose piercing. Otherwise, she’s got this thing won.

Sanjaya – Something to Talk About. I wish they’d take one of my questions before you sing…”A question for Sanjaya from Nolezfan in Florida….’Sanjaya, Is it true that you have the whitest teeth Clay Aiken (for some dick) ever came across? Is it true that your hair came into being when a pack of hedgehogs gang-raped a chinchilla?’ Sweet God, you can’t sing. I mean, not at all. I’d like to give the homicide detectives where you live something to talk about. I’m actually running out of ways to bash you, which is saying a lot. Would that we could simply travel back in time and stick the placenta in a diaper and raise it to sing and put it on the show…I mean, we’d be better off, wouldn’t we? You’ve simply got to be in the bottom 3 this week… you just have to.

Lakisha – Where did that lithp come from? I’d never noticed that her mouth cants off to the side when she talks. She must have wrecked one too many peckers in her day and got her mandibles all knocked out of alignment. Mad props to you though for upping the fabric quotient. Your song however, was atrocious. You sang “Jesus, Take the Wheel” and it made me want to scream “Jesus! Shut your Mouth!” The pitch on the whole thing was like an elephants ass, it was high and it stunk. The gap in her teeth was so big I didn’t know whether to smile back or kick a field goal. Seriously, she could floss with jump rope.

Chris – First of all, the front belt tuck is right there behind letting your pants hang off your ass as the stupidest fashion trend in history. I hate to be the Captain of the S.S. Whiny Bastard, but you are leaving me no choice. You sounded like Rascal Crap. I’ve hocked up snot clods that were less nasally than you. Then, to top it all off, you want to get obnoxious with the judges. Welcome to Prickville, Chris Richardson, Mayor. Population: 1.

Melinda – I’m not so sure a shoulder baring dress was the answer here. This girl looks like she could suit up for at least 10 teams in the NFL, not that they would be able to find a helmet that would fit. This chick definitely has the biggest face in the music business. Good singing, playing it safe, letting the idiots eliminate themselves.

Blake – His douchebaggery factor increases by the week. He is starting to become like Phil to me, like a big, fat nothing. Just bleh. Nice job trying to pull off country week in a sleeveless argyle sweater vest. What a freaking tool.

Sanjina, Lakisha “Back Rack” Jones and Chris “Mayor of Prickville” Richardson are my bottom three with Kiki and her 7 tits getting the boot.

®©Nolezfan, Inc.©®

Idol Rant for 4/10/07

Idol Rant
©®Nolezfan, Inc. 2007®©

Melinda got things going with "Sway." She looked good, looked like she was losing weight in every part of her body except for her head. Nice vocal, still playing it safe, which is a bit irritating. Not the best genre for her, obviously. On a side note, I think Pben's secretary was sitting to Simon's right…yowza what a rack on that girl.

Lakisha could hit the road on tour right now, just bill her as "Kiki and the Twins" recording on Cleavage Records and people would line up for miles around. Now to the bad news…her dress was so tight, her back-fat created artificial yammalito's on her back that rivaled the ones in the front! There's no sin in having some extra Kiki to go around, but we don't all need to know about it. Aside from wearing a dress two sizes too small, I was kinda bored with her performance. I was constantly distracted by the two buicks sitting squarely in the middle of her chest. Bottom three…

Chris sang "Smooth." Lucky for him there are horrible singers remaining that will keep him safe for a while.

Whorely Skanknato in short shorts…color me shocked. At least she's committing to it with the Daisy Dukes, Zebra stripe see through mesh shirt with titty window and whore red lipstick. (Am I allowed to say that or has Imus screwed the pooch for all of us?) I suppose as long as I don't call it "Nappy Headed Ho" red lipstick, I'm in the clear. Come on, you knew this was going to be in there somewhere…definite bottom three.

Phil – Mr. Penis Head blesses us with "Maria Maria." Three bars into this little ditty I'm wishing that Maria was a recently paroled Latina gang-banger with a nasty case of the clap that would run out onto the stage and shank you with a shiv for disrespecting her name like that Holmes…You were horrid and you round out the bottom three because we all know Sanjina isn't going to be there.

Jordin is the frontrunner to win this thing. You heard it here first.

Blake – I need to know, I need to know…why the hell your ass is still on this show, oh I need to know. I mean, you're okay. You just bore me and I noticed tonight that your nose is so big I thought your face threw up a banana. Ugh.

Sanjina – Besa Mi Mucho…It's a damn shame that isn't spanish for "I am an Indian harlot with a smelly vagina" because then, it would have been remotely appropriate. Instead, we get to discover that you can grow a little hair on your chin and watch you eye-scrump the cameras for a minute and a half. I was waiting for you to bite your lower lip and blow a little air kiss to all of America. Watching you sing makes me feel dirty…not the good kind of dirty either. It's more like the "oh my God I just walked through a glory hole filled crackhouse in my bare feet which were sticking to the goo on the floor" kind of dirty. The only thing that would have shocked me more than the sight of the buffoon that your sister is banging would have been Zamfir next to you on stage playing the chord changes on the panflute. Don't even get me started on the derby hat wearing freak that was with your sister and the room temperature IQ having freak that she's screwing. Thanksgiving at your house must be a real hoot. Sweet call on the jheri curl by the way. Maybe they call it Poonjabi Curl in the homeland? You're safe…you're too much of a train wreck not to have around so that you may further embarrass yourself.

Lakisha and her back rack are the bottom 3, with Whorely and Phil joining them. Toss up between Skankalicious and Mr. P-Head as to who leaves us.

©®Nolezfan, Inc. 2007®©

Hello, Howdy and How are Ya...

Welcome to by b-log.

Several people have asked that I place the idol rants that I write in one place, so here's the place!

I'll try to back post some of the other idol rants as time allows.

Enjoy!

One of my first attacks on Sanjaya...

Please do not drinking from the slurpee machine! Luckily for you Sanjaya Malakar, these words mean you’ll never want for gainful employment.

I wish your sister made it through instead of you, she had an awesome rack and doesn’t sport that ridiculous “Look at me! I’m a boy!” mustache. One of these days, magical things will happen to your body. Your hangy down, pathetic and small though it may be, will grow hair. Your shoulders will broaden and, Praise Jesus, your voice will lower to the point where you can speak without pissing off every dog in the neighborhood.

Your voice is higher than Algore’s opinion of himself. I wish Justin Timberlake (See Dictionary under “talented”) would have written an SNL skit about you called “Head in a Box” and then followed through with it. Some people can sing the phone book and it sounds good. You wouldn’t sound good if the Irish Tenors skinned you like a catfish and wore your skin as clothes and sang through you.

You suck more than Paris Hilton on home movie night. I know there are pictures of your sister out there going Antonella Barba on some lucky schmo but because your worthless ass is on TV taking up her spot, we have to hope that her ex-boyfriend gets sick of cleaning the filling station bathroom where he found her phone number and posts the pics for all of us to see.

You look like Deepak Chopra and a Motel 6 had a baby and stuck a microphone in its hand. I’m surprised you can even lift the thing. Elton John has more testosterone than you. Steroids are bad, really bad, but I think a cycle or two would actually do some benefit in your case. Look, you’re set. Buy a couple of gas stations, maybe a hotel. Your Uncle Patel will give you the money. You’ll have a nice job, hell, you can even sing to people over the little microphone before you say “All set on pump 3.” That’s your niche, pal.

I’m serving warning to the bitches singing tonight, I’ve got a couple of you in my crosshairs. Bring it, or face the wrath of the Idol Rant…

Adventures in Cold Calling...

Had a 12 hour day of cold calling in Naples.....so begins my tale.

Met at Perkins (blech) for breakfast at around 8am for our kickoff meal. There are four guys and one poor lady who had NO CLUE about what she was getting into. I down a pretty massive breakfast and we hit the street.

We get dropped off into the target zone and begin knocking on doors. Naples loves their "No Soliciting" signs, which to us reads as "Come in." If they say "ABSOLUTELY No Soliciting" well, that's like "PLEASE Come in."

We are hitting a lot of blue collar, get er done type places and having a productive morning when it starts. Now, you need to know that I am paired with the craziest SOB alive. He will say "camel toe" in the middle of talking to someone and they won't notice. Someone asked him what he covers equipment wise and he said (very rapidly) "Jambalaya Joe and Damned if I know" and the guy nodded his head like it was a legitimate answer.

So it happens. My breakfast has made it's trek through my innards and it is time. There are no public bathrooms that my severely cramping self can see. My partner who shall remain nameless, says “How about a punch in the ribs” and starts walking towards me. I am doing the bent over, stiff legged, dookie clench shuffle away from him as fast as I can. We make it to an office and I ask the guy if it would terribly inconvenience him if I could use his restroom. Before the guy says yes, my partner says “I wouldn’t do that if I were you sir..” I am glaring at him… Keep in mind I am 3 hours south of where I live with no change of clothes. It would be a BRUTAL ride home if I filled up my drawers…
I stumble into the bathroom and unleash hell. I flushed three times and it still wouldn’t all go down. My partner had to take a leak and went in after I was done. He paid for his smart-assedness, let me tell you. Needless to say, we don’t have to worry about ever getting that guy as an account.

Fast forward to lunch where the powers that be decide it’d be a hoot to hit a BBQ place. Fine. I order “The Beast” which is a monstrous sliced pork sammich on garlic bread with a double side of baked beans. Bad move on my part.

Later that afternoon, we happen upon a bank. We weren’t there for their business, we were there for the bathroom. I happen on the door first and to my homie’s chagrin, it’s a one seater so I swoop in and lock the door and hear him cussing on the other side.
Since I was in Naples (not my territory) I was cold calling on someone else’s behalf. To that effect, I had his cards in my pocket, not my own. So I put flesh to seat and just bring the effing pain Welco
me to the Terrordome style….it was horrific. Since my compadre needed the can as well, I decide to leave my homebrew for him as a special treat. They were orange and floaty. (Thanks BBQ!) In a momentary flash of genius, I place the other guys business cards (he wasn’t with us) all over the toilet. I walk out, dude walks in and is just howling with laughter and dry heaving at the same time. I am in the lobby of this bank just dying…laughing so hard.

Good times man…good times.

Idol rant for 4/3/07

Idol rant for the week
®©Nolezfan, Inc. 2007®©

Blake started it off with “Mack the Knife.” B-Lake should come to grips with the fact that it’s called a “key change” because the “key” of the song is supposed to “change.” You looked like you dug your outfit out of Sanjayjay’s trash can and oh yeah, Geno wants his white shoes back. I think the only way I could applaud you is if your lower intestine fell out of your pantleg and did the worm across the stage. Thank God the trumpet section was wailing, or I would have thrown a brick through my TV. You get 8 daggers out of 10.

Phabulous Phil…Phil the Thrill..You sang “Night and Day.” Too bad Tony Bennett didn’t record a song called “Big Ass Head” because that one would have been perfect for you. I did like how you just stood there and belted it out. You still have the personality of an index card. Cheer up man and relax. 4 daggers out of 10 for you.

Melinda – Please stop acting like someone takes a crap out their nose when they say something nice to you. You can sing. Start acting like you belong there. One of her lyrics however was “Who could axe for anything more…” umm…pardon? 1 out of 10 daggers. Give this girl a nostrilectomy and she’ll go far.

Chris – We don’t have to call you Chris R. anymore since fat Chris with the hot wife got punted last week. Not even the fact that you dug up Bear Bryant and swiped his hat could save you from the fact that you absolutely butchered this song. The judges have obviously never heard it before because they loved it. This just in, apparently, Paula is refereeing tonight? I give you 7 daggers out of 10.

Jordin – Maybe not the best choice of song, but you are nowhere near leaving. Trumpet section is kicking ass tonight! ½ dagger out of 10

Gina – Ohhhh boy. You are flirting with GoHomesVille here, girlie. Your outfit was hilarious. Nothing says “Dime Store Hooker from Tramptucky” like Fishnet Stockings. She does nothing for me. Definite bottom 3. 9 daggers out of 10.

Sanjaya...Sporting an outfit that was “Saturday Night Fever meets Happy Days”, Sanjina raised ridiculousness to an all new low with some song that I didn’t even care enough about to write down the name of. One of the lines was “I’m in Heaven..” well, I was in a sadistic hell for the better part of two minutes. You were sporting more dippity doo on your noggin than a former fsu baseball alum…honestly. I can only assume that the Indian gentlemen that hug-raped Ryan Seacrest coming out of commercial was your Dad. You obviously were raised by this idiot. How he got away from the Kwickie Mart, Laundro-Mat and Motel, I have no idea. I keep wondering how long your luck can hold out as the pink cell phone vote keeps rolling in. It’s almost like your voice is reverse-developing…devolving into something so horrid that it’s strangely pleasant, but not really. I wish a tapeworm would fly out of the toxic pus-filled wasteland that is your throat and grab the mike and say “Jus kiddin y’all…” You are pretending like you deserve the spot you’re in and that’s starting to agitate me a little. You are a cocky, arrogant piece of fumunda. We’d all be better off if you just ripped out your trachea and shoved it up your arse. 10 daggers out of 10, with one in each eye.

Whorely Skanknato – At least your tits are distracting me from your mole and your voice. You and your two pancake flappers could make up the bottom 3 all by yourself. 9 daggers out of 10. You are way out of your league. You are my pick to hit the trail as cabaret style, cleavage bearing lounge singers are a dime a dozen. Thanks for playing.

Lakisha – She needs some black girl deodorant. (Do they make tinted deodorant for people of color?) Her underarms were all white and crusty which distracted me from the talented performance of her cleavage. Hers is the only one I’ve ever seen that starts apart, comes together, back apart, hey it’s us again together, back apart once more then together again for the final ride down into the dress. Amazing. 3 daggers out of 10. You’re safe.

Whorely and the girls are bottom 1, 2 and 3, joined by Sanjayjay (yeah right) and Gina with Whorely heading back home to work the street corner.
®©Nolezfan, Inc. 2007®©