Adventures in Cold Calling...

Had a 12 hour day of cold calling in Naples.....so begins my tale.

Met at Perkins (blech) for breakfast at around 8am for our kickoff meal. There are four guys and one poor lady who had NO CLUE about what she was getting into. I down a pretty massive breakfast and we hit the street.

We get dropped off into the target zone and begin knocking on doors. Naples loves their "No Soliciting" signs, which to us reads as "Come in." If they say "ABSOLUTELY No Soliciting" well, that's like "PLEASE Come in."

We are hitting a lot of blue collar, get er done type places and having a productive morning when it starts. Now, you need to know that I am paired with the craziest SOB alive. He will say "camel toe" in the middle of talking to someone and they won't notice. Someone asked him what he covers equipment wise and he said (very rapidly) "Jambalaya Joe and Damned if I know" and the guy nodded his head like it was a legitimate answer.

So it happens. My breakfast has made it's trek through my innards and it is time. There are no public bathrooms that my severely cramping self can see. My partner who shall remain nameless, says “How about a punch in the ribs” and starts walking towards me. I am doing the bent over, stiff legged, dookie clench shuffle away from him as fast as I can. We make it to an office and I ask the guy if it would terribly inconvenience him if I could use his restroom. Before the guy says yes, my partner says “I wouldn’t do that if I were you sir..” I am glaring at him… Keep in mind I am 3 hours south of where I live with no change of clothes. It would be a BRUTAL ride home if I filled up my drawers…
I stumble into the bathroom and unleash hell. I flushed three times and it still wouldn’t all go down. My partner had to take a leak and went in after I was done. He paid for his smart-assedness, let me tell you. Needless to say, we don’t have to worry about ever getting that guy as an account.

Fast forward to lunch where the powers that be decide it’d be a hoot to hit a BBQ place. Fine. I order “The Beast” which is a monstrous sliced pork sammich on garlic bread with a double side of baked beans. Bad move on my part.

Later that afternoon, we happen upon a bank. We weren’t there for their business, we were there for the bathroom. I happen on the door first and to my homie’s chagrin, it’s a one seater so I swoop in and lock the door and hear him cussing on the other side.
Since I was in Naples (not my territory) I was cold calling on someone else’s behalf. To that effect, I had his cards in my pocket, not my own. So I put flesh to seat and just bring the effing pain Welco
me to the Terrordome style….it was horrific. Since my compadre needed the can as well, I decide to leave my homebrew for him as a special treat. They were orange and floaty. (Thanks BBQ!) In a momentary flash of genius, I place the other guys business cards (he wasn’t with us) all over the toilet. I walk out, dude walks in and is just howling with laughter and dry heaving at the same time. I am in the lobby of this bank just dying…laughing so hard.

Good times man…good times.