Idol rant for 4/3/07

Idol rant for the week
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Blake started it off with “Mack the Knife.” B-Lake should come to grips with the fact that it’s called a “key change” because the “key” of the song is supposed to “change.” You looked like you dug your outfit out of Sanjayjay’s trash can and oh yeah, Geno wants his white shoes back. I think the only way I could applaud you is if your lower intestine fell out of your pantleg and did the worm across the stage. Thank God the trumpet section was wailing, or I would have thrown a brick through my TV. You get 8 daggers out of 10.

Phabulous Phil…Phil the Thrill..You sang “Night and Day.” Too bad Tony Bennett didn’t record a song called “Big Ass Head” because that one would have been perfect for you. I did like how you just stood there and belted it out. You still have the personality of an index card. Cheer up man and relax. 4 daggers out of 10 for you.

Melinda – Please stop acting like someone takes a crap out their nose when they say something nice to you. You can sing. Start acting like you belong there. One of her lyrics however was “Who could axe for anything more…” umm…pardon? 1 out of 10 daggers. Give this girl a nostrilectomy and she’ll go far.

Chris – We don’t have to call you Chris R. anymore since fat Chris with the hot wife got punted last week. Not even the fact that you dug up Bear Bryant and swiped his hat could save you from the fact that you absolutely butchered this song. The judges have obviously never heard it before because they loved it. This just in, apparently, Paula is refereeing tonight? I give you 7 daggers out of 10.

Jordin – Maybe not the best choice of song, but you are nowhere near leaving. Trumpet section is kicking ass tonight! ½ dagger out of 10

Gina – Ohhhh boy. You are flirting with GoHomesVille here, girlie. Your outfit was hilarious. Nothing says “Dime Store Hooker from Tramptucky” like Fishnet Stockings. She does nothing for me. Definite bottom 3. 9 daggers out of 10.

Sanjaya...Sporting an outfit that was “Saturday Night Fever meets Happy Days”, Sanjina raised ridiculousness to an all new low with some song that I didn’t even care enough about to write down the name of. One of the lines was “I’m in Heaven..” well, I was in a sadistic hell for the better part of two minutes. You were sporting more dippity doo on your noggin than a former fsu baseball alum…honestly. I can only assume that the Indian gentlemen that hug-raped Ryan Seacrest coming out of commercial was your Dad. You obviously were raised by this idiot. How he got away from the Kwickie Mart, Laundro-Mat and Motel, I have no idea. I keep wondering how long your luck can hold out as the pink cell phone vote keeps rolling in. It’s almost like your voice is reverse-developing…devolving into something so horrid that it’s strangely pleasant, but not really. I wish a tapeworm would fly out of the toxic pus-filled wasteland that is your throat and grab the mike and say “Jus kiddin y’all…” You are pretending like you deserve the spot you’re in and that’s starting to agitate me a little. You are a cocky, arrogant piece of fumunda. We’d all be better off if you just ripped out your trachea and shoved it up your arse. 10 daggers out of 10, with one in each eye.

Whorely Skanknato – At least your tits are distracting me from your mole and your voice. You and your two pancake flappers could make up the bottom 3 all by yourself. 9 daggers out of 10. You are way out of your league. You are my pick to hit the trail as cabaret style, cleavage bearing lounge singers are a dime a dozen. Thanks for playing.

Lakisha – She needs some black girl deodorant. (Do they make tinted deodorant for people of color?) Her underarms were all white and crusty which distracted me from the talented performance of her cleavage. Hers is the only one I’ve ever seen that starts apart, comes together, back apart, hey it’s us again together, back apart once more then together again for the final ride down into the dress. Amazing. 3 daggers out of 10. You’re safe.

Whorely and the girls are bottom 1, 2 and 3, joined by Sanjayjay (yeah right) and Gina with Whorely heading back home to work the street corner.
®©Nolezfan, Inc. 2007®©