Idol Rant for 4/10/07

Idol Rant
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Melinda got things going with "Sway." She looked good, looked like she was losing weight in every part of her body except for her head. Nice vocal, still playing it safe, which is a bit irritating. Not the best genre for her, obviously. On a side note, I think Pben's secretary was sitting to Simon's right…yowza what a rack on that girl.

Lakisha could hit the road on tour right now, just bill her as "Kiki and the Twins" recording on Cleavage Records and people would line up for miles around. Now to the bad news…her dress was so tight, her back-fat created artificial yammalito's on her back that rivaled the ones in the front! There's no sin in having some extra Kiki to go around, but we don't all need to know about it. Aside from wearing a dress two sizes too small, I was kinda bored with her performance. I was constantly distracted by the two buicks sitting squarely in the middle of her chest. Bottom three…

Chris sang "Smooth." Lucky for him there are horrible singers remaining that will keep him safe for a while.

Whorely Skanknato in short shorts…color me shocked. At least she's committing to it with the Daisy Dukes, Zebra stripe see through mesh shirt with titty window and whore red lipstick. (Am I allowed to say that or has Imus screwed the pooch for all of us?) I suppose as long as I don't call it "Nappy Headed Ho" red lipstick, I'm in the clear. Come on, you knew this was going to be in there somewhere…definite bottom three.

Phil – Mr. Penis Head blesses us with "Maria Maria." Three bars into this little ditty I'm wishing that Maria was a recently paroled Latina gang-banger with a nasty case of the clap that would run out onto the stage and shank you with a shiv for disrespecting her name like that Holmes…You were horrid and you round out the bottom three because we all know Sanjina isn't going to be there.

Jordin is the frontrunner to win this thing. You heard it here first.

Blake – I need to know, I need to know…why the hell your ass is still on this show, oh I need to know. I mean, you're okay. You just bore me and I noticed tonight that your nose is so big I thought your face threw up a banana. Ugh.

Sanjina – Besa Mi Mucho…It's a damn shame that isn't spanish for "I am an Indian harlot with a smelly vagina" because then, it would have been remotely appropriate. Instead, we get to discover that you can grow a little hair on your chin and watch you eye-scrump the cameras for a minute and a half. I was waiting for you to bite your lower lip and blow a little air kiss to all of America. Watching you sing makes me feel dirty…not the good kind of dirty either. It's more like the "oh my God I just walked through a glory hole filled crackhouse in my bare feet which were sticking to the goo on the floor" kind of dirty. The only thing that would have shocked me more than the sight of the buffoon that your sister is banging would have been Zamfir next to you on stage playing the chord changes on the panflute. Don't even get me started on the derby hat wearing freak that was with your sister and the room temperature IQ having freak that she's screwing. Thanksgiving at your house must be a real hoot. Sweet call on the jheri curl by the way. Maybe they call it Poonjabi Curl in the homeland? You're safe…you're too much of a train wreck not to have around so that you may further embarrass yourself.

Lakisha and her back rack are the bottom 3, with Whorely and Phil joining them. Toss up between Skankalicious and Mr. P-Head as to who leaves us.

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