Final Final Idol Rant

You didn't really think that the last one was the last one did you?

The 2-hour fluff-filled snooze-fest of a finale certainly was a target rich environment, so in no particular order, here we go.

I read recently that Pluto is no longer a planet. This is okay, because it's been replaced by Kelly Clarkson's ass. Sweet goodness!! That thing made J-Lo look like she has half of the ass of one Olsen Twin. Kelly isn't the prettiest girl I've ever seen, but man, it looks like she could just put that stuff on you and make you suck your thumb and whimper for mercy by the time she was done. Damn, is she sexy.

Carrie Underwood on the other hand is freaking gorgeous....man, I miss her. Thanks for the memories Carrie...we'll always have 2005!

I thought Bette Midler could sing...perhaps I was wrong.

Didn't Ruben Studdard lose a lot of weight recently? Well, he must have gained it back recently too. He has to have the biggest freaking melon in the history of history. My God, his head is huge. His head is so big that Barry Bonds' head accused Ruben's head of using They wanted him to wear a hat to match the pimp suit he had on and the show's wardrobe person was like "No...I don't have the time or the resources to pull this off." He was up there sweating like a whore in church. I used to think that he wore the "205" gear when he was on the show to give props to Birmingham, now I know that's how much he weighed when he was born.

If they ever make another "Weekend at Bernie's" Smokey Robinson can play the dead guy.

The whole Sanjaya thing has to have been a gag for them to have picked that song for him to sing last night. Well, it made me gag, so, same thing I guess. I would honestly like to punch the little pucker face crying girl "fan" right in the damn mouth. She irritates me.

Congrats to Jordin on winning the competition. It doesn't take much of a glance back through the Idol rants to see that she was the favorite to win way back in the beginning.

Hope you enjoyed the rants...

Final Idol Rant - 5/22/07

Last week, Elliot Yamin sang on the show and with his new and improved dental implants proved that success on Idol can be a vehicle to have physical flaws repaired, so I guess Melinda will be getting that neck implant after all.

What in the birthday cake is going on with Randy's jacket? It looks like he spent the night at Michael Jackson's house and rummaged through the King of Pop's closet before he got the hell out of Neverland.

Paula looks like she tripped over every dog in Southern California. It looks like a 1st grader put her lip gloss on and combed her hair with an egg beater. Way to look like you just rolled out of bed, Paula.

I'll just go over these two one at a time...

Blake starts off with "You Give Love a Bad Name" and as irritating and hideously ugly as this waste of a placenta is, he does do some cool stuff with his voice. He is my early odds on favorite to win a new show that I have in the works called "American Sound Effects." Stay tuned for showtimes.

Is that a "Blake Takes the Cake" sign I see? Looks like someone did well in Rhyming class at Rhyme State University in Rhymesville, Wisconsin. Blake does take the cake for goodness sake. I wish someone would hit him in the head with a rake so we could partake of his wake down by the lake.

As the emo douchebag that is Blake Lewis stumbles through the flash-in-the-pan Maroon 5 hit "She Will Be Loved", it becomes apparent to me that this guy is in over his head like Joe Pesci as Nicky Santoro in Casino. He's just not a singer. Can he carry a tune? Sure, but he just doesn't have the chops to grab that mike every night and entertain people with his voice. I don't have anything against the guy, I think that he and his boyfriend will lead a very happy life with Blake realizing much success in the music industry as a producer, etc. Armageddon, fellas!

What is Joy's deaf lawyer from My Name is Earl doing in the crowd? Shouldn't she be working on the case?

Thanks Fox for the gratuitous shot of Kathy Griffin in the audience. We are all less funny now for having seen that.

Jordin's first song choice was a little shocking, but I think she wanted to show she would take a risk. It worked for her since she followed "Fighter" with "Broken Wing." Wow...a complete homerun.

When I heard B-Lake sing the finale song (written by the two morons from Seattle) I knew he was toast. He just doesn't have the strong, powerful, step-on-the-gas voice needed to pull off a ballad like that. The song in itself was pretty basic for a competition winning entry. No key change, no bridge to build to the final payoff chorus... (Think "A Moment Like This") The lyrics were remotely clever, but overall I wasn't impressed that this was the best entry out of the thousands they must have received. I'd hate to hear some of the bad ones.

Jordin clearly smokes Blake in this finale and as I've said all along, will win American Idol. Where she goes from there will be up to the music buying public and the people at 19 entertainment.

Thanks for reading this season, it's been fun bringing you my admittedly warped take on these Idol contestants.

Check back from time to time, I just might start ranting on other things...

Idol Rant for 5/15/07

Jordin...can I have your Mom's phone number? Thanks.

Blaker Girl? Was someone holding up a sign that said Blaker Girl? If you want this emo retard to call you, you'd need a "Dildo's For Sale" sign. I can't believe you tried to take on Sting. Halfway through I was wishing for a Scorpion sting to the taint to take my mind off your warbling.

Melinda got stuck singing a Whitney number, which is never a good thing. Holy crap...did she just call Randy "Randy Johnson?" I never thought Melinda would be much of a baseball fan. I bet the make-up guy that has to put those Biore nose strips on the singers is pissed because Melinda must need several to get the job done.

Way to go Idol producers for having the one underaged person in the competition sing a song about hooking. Chris Hanson, are you watching this?????

B-Lake is such a freaking douchebag that I catch myself looking for the squeezebag and the nozzle. Wait. Did I just give myself a shout-out? Bad song, bad bee-bee-bee-b-b-b-b-b-beatboxing, bad outfit, bad, bad, bad.

Melinda, your hair is Unbe-Weave-able. There are some bald horses out there running around because of this girl They are trying their damndest to convince us that look! She does have a neck! WTF is this song? Nut Bush City Limits? Are you serious? Now I know why Ike used to whoop Tina's ass so much...

Jordin finishes her evening with "I Who Have Nothing." Very nicely done...I still think she wins this thing.

Blizzake puts the polish on his hometown festivities by appearing with none other than....Sir Mix a Lot!!! Umm...yeah. I guess Kurt Cobain was busy...

Melinda closes the night and picks a really, really bad time to dump the second line to the song...she completely forgot her lyrics. I suppose we'll have to wait until tomorrow night to see if it costs her a shot at the whole enchilada.

I could make an argument for all three of them to go, setting up any possible final two combination. I honestly think there's a spot for Jordin in the finals, and I think B-Lake will join her there. I think that much of Lakisha's vote will go to Jordin, giving her a bit of a boost. I think that Melinda is the best technical singer among them, but even she got a little pitchy tonight on her middle tune.

My official call is for a Jordin v. Douchebag showdown at the final with Jordin winning it all.

Idol Rant for 5/8/07

As the Final Four contestants lined up on the stage, all I could think was..."YO! Where the white women at?"

Melinda leads us off and what in the name of all t hat is good and holy happened to Barry Gibb's lips? Did he swim to LA from the Arctic? His lips are thin and blue, he looks dead. I thought Robin was the one that kicked it? At any rate, Melinda and her facial pores that are the size of manhole covers gave us a very blah version of Inside and Out. This girl is built like a freaking tree stump and her singing (tonight at least) was about as exciting as a colonoscopy. Oh and lookie there...someone let Paula loose in the eye shadow store.

Rumor has it that if Blake wins, www.douchebags.org will sign him as their new spokesdouche. I hope they do show tunes week, because this clown would be right in his element if they did. He couldn't look any more like Mr. Sugarpants if he had a hot pink feather boa and a penis microphone. I know a lot of the ladies like Blake. Blake likes you too....likes you to send him pictures of your man that is... Is that a blonde streak in his hair? Good grief. I wonder how far he had to chase the Asian gigolo he stole that jacket off of. With the other three contestants and their singing style being similar, you are the one piece of chicken breast in a bucket full of legs. Because of that, you'll be here for at least another week when you can go all B-Lake on a song, rehashing your tired ass cheesy vocal effects. I'd like to beat you with a box of hammers. Moron.

I know Lakisha (aka WonderTits) did not just jiggle out on stage in a pair of spandex stretch pants. The only people who enjoyed that were the engineers that were able to upgrade the tolerance of the tensile strength of their product. She looks like a damn channel catfish wiggling on a trotline in that getup. Her song was horrible. I mean, neveryoumind notes or pitch or the melody or any of that other musical nonsense there KiKi. Just bend at the waist (does she even have a waist?) Just bend at the middle and sing high and loud and hold your hand in the air every so often and the musical idiots in the audience will stand and clap. You are a wreck. Your teeth are so far apart they're lonely. Your second choice of outfit made you look like a double stuffed mint oreo with boobs. Ugh.

Best effort of the night from Jordin, but who made that shirt? Omar the tentmaker? Don't blow it on wardrobe. You're the only one worthy of winning this thing as I'm watching KiKi and Blake implode right before my eyes. It wouldn't hurt you to sing in tune either. You definitely caught a little bit of KiKi-itis on that Streisand tune. The other three people suck so bad, you should be a shoe-in to win this thing...please don't blow it.

Lakisha goes tonight. She's had no business hanging around this long. She and Melinda are too similar to keep splitting votes so Kiki and the Twins get the boot tonight.

Idol Rant for 5/1/07

I'll just get right to it...

He who can never see the light of day leads us off with a rousing version of Blaze of Glory wearing a jacket that looks like it was the backseat pleather cover off a rusty 79 Datsun where, in sweaty awkwardness, your parents conceived you. By the time you finished singing, your dome was sweating like Rosie's gynecologist. Your singing was not bad actually, I think you're okay, although I don't know if the rest of America likes you or not. The whole vampire thing is so 1984....

Was that a huge herpe on Jordin's upper lip? Look, you know Jordin is my favorite and hopefully last weeks good showing will save her, but with the fashion and hair design by Morticia Adams and a vocal that sounded like a hyena screwing a cardboard box with a styrofoam condom, this wasn't good for her. Livin on a Prayer indeed...

I hope Lakisha isn't dressing herself. The horizontal red accent stripe on a black dress made her mammaries look like the two biggest chocolate dipped cherries in the universe. Did she just say that she wanted the camera to get her slim side? Unless they can rewind to when she was in utero, I don't think we have any skinny pictures of this girl. She's clearly playing the stretch denim endorsement angle with those horrid pants. Her song wasn't bad, but I didn't think it was good either. This coupled with her performance (or lack thereof) last week make her a prime candidate to depart.

Blake - "Shot through the heart and you're to Beep beep b-b-b-b-b-blame, You give Douchebaggery a ba-ba-ba-ba-bad name. The lipless wonder strikes again with some tripe that Tom Cruise loving idiots the world over are sure to head straight to Wal-Mart to pick up. What was that I said last week about this guy being one bad dye job away from being a certifiable emo douchebag? Well, true to form, B-Lake busts out with some dark hair, which, if it's even humanly possible, made him uglier. His "singing" was the most ri-damn-diculous thing I've ever heard, but the 12 year old girls that put their pink RAZR on vibrate, stick it between their legs and wait for their friends to call are sure to vote for this prick. You make me wish the walking uterus that was Sanjaya was still here. At least he knew he was a joke and embraced the role. You are controversial enough to stay safe, which is good, cause next week I am going to jump on you like Oprah's couch.

Hey Chris...You're a moron....on a dilllllldo you ride....you're wanted....dead or alive. Well, I choose Dead. Is that a Members Only Jacket? What a dumbass. You are definitely, unequivocably going home, without a doubt, you whiny assed side of the mouth singing bastard. Bank it.

The Neckless wonder that is Melinda Doolittle stumbled through "Have a Nice Day." She never has to worry about getting strangled, so that's a plus. She's safe. Lakisha definitely goes before her.

Chris, Lakisha and her back rack all go home this week. Chris will cry like a little bitch tonight which will amuse me.

Until next time...Peace and Chicken Grease.