Season 8, Week 3 - Motown!

Matt starts us off with "Let's Get It On." Unless he loses the Mr. Rogers sweater, getting it on will be the last thing he needs to worry about. I realized that I don't like this song without the famous twangy 4 note guitar riff in the beginning. He did an okay job in my opinion.

Kris sang "How Sweet It Is" by James Tay...err....Marvin Gaye. I think he's gunning to get kicked out of this thing. I don't care for his voice at all. He seems like he's in way over his head. Paula is on the good drugs tonight. The only way she'd know it was a 'high A' was if she shoved the pills down the A's mouth. She's getting on my nerves more and more with each passing moment.

I wish the blind guy would put some damn sunglasses on. His non-seeing eyes freak me out. Okay Scott, can't you see that you're just not going to win this competition? He's so stiff on stage he looks like an American Idol producer has a hand jammed up his backside and is manipulating him like a blind guy, piano playing puppet. Paula is throwing out musical terms like she's trying to pass theory III or something. I can clearly see Ronnie Milsap in the bottom 3.

Megan's voice makes me think that she's going to start stripping at any moment, which she should start doing ASAP if she wants to stay on this show. Okay...this sucks. I've heard 70 year old women on cruise ships crank out better vocals than this after 9 hours of blackjack and a handle of Crown Royal. She's a cute girl, but good gracious this is horrid. The blind guy is backstage dancing a jig because she just saved him with that massive pile of suck.

Anoop is 7 feet tall and sings like a sissy girl. Nothing like missing the opening pitch on the flat side. Way to go Haji. I hated this. I mean, the bottom line is, this guy will NOT win this thing. Sure, he can sing, but can you see him standing there as one of the final two? No way. He's plenty safe this week after Little Miss Tattoo had that vocal abortion, but he'll be out soon enough.

I ain't too proud to beg for this clown to get voted off soon, please. He also suffers from Anoop-itis. He can sing, but has no shot of winning. He cracked his big note at the end too. Now the tattooed girl is doing a happy dance because this guy might have just saved her from her horrid performance.

Hey Lil, Ike Turner is gonna whoop your ass for stealing Tina's dress. I like her less and less every time she sings, and I was really high on her initially. I wish someone would run on stage and snatch that wig off her head. There's no dynamic contrast, it's all FULL BLAST ALL THE TIME WITH NO LET UP AT ALL....ugh. Boring. Again, she's a pretender who has no chance of winning this whatsoever.

Madame Lambert is going to sing Tracks of My Tears...I've looked closer and it's easy for me to trace the tracks of the horrific acne that has eaten this kids face like a fat kid eats cake. I never in a million years thought that I'd say that I liked "Ring of Fire" better than this, but I do. I do like him better with the Jimmy Neutron hair. What he just did is not singing. I don't understand why everyone falls all over themselves for this girl. She does nothing for me, at all.

Danny didnt do as well this week as he did last week. I think he's got a shot to win, but performances like tonights won't get it done.

Allison might be 16, but her voice is much older than that and that's a good thing. She picked a great song for her style and I thought her performance was the best of the night, by far. This girl has some serious pipes.

I think either Scott or Megan leaves tomorrow night, Michael Sarver joins them in the bottom 3.

Season 8, Week 2 - YEEEEE HAWWWWWW!

Country week is upon us and look! Skeletor is the guest artist! What? That's Randy Travis? Oh...

Why, there's a shot of Randy in the crowd with a blonde haired man, who I'm now told is his wife, Mangela. My, what a handsome woman.

First up is Michael Sarver, the oil man, tackling "Ain't Goin Down til the Sun Comes Up." This song sucked an egg when Garth Brooks sang it and it's certainly no better now. Country Rap is *NEVER* a good idea. I give Michael 3 Cowpies out of 10.

Allison tackles Patty Loveless and actually does a pretty good job. I don't know that I like her or not yet, but she definitely doesn't sound like she's 16 years old. 5 Cowpies for you, m'dear!

Kris Allen next. I'm pretty sure that Skelet....I mean Randy Travis just hit on him. Gag. Didn't like that song at all. He took a good Garth Brooks song (as if there is such a thing) and castrated it like Jackie Sherrill. 4 Cowpies.

Lil Rounds (can't be her real name) tees off on Martina McBride and is sharper than crap. Sure Lil, just sing 20 cents sharp the whole time, no one will notice. She needs to figure out who stuffed that bale of hay in the back of her dress. Oh wait, that's her ass. They haven't seen a back end that big in the country since Boss Hogg left Hazzard County. This was VERY bad. 2 and a half smelly Cowpies.

Madame Lambert and his nasty complexion just RUINED a darn good Johnny Cash song. I was watching, waiting for Johnny's rickety corpse to rattle onto the stage and break his dead feet off in this dude's hindparts. This guy singing about flames is, to quote Alanis Morrisette, like a no smoking sign on your cigarette break. This clown is clearly in love with himself and loves the sound of his own voice and WILL NOT win this competition. 1 stinking, steaming, runny, oozing, puss-filled Cowpie, idiot.

The blind dude doesn't realize that Randy Travis is making faces at him. Goodness...this is bad. However, since he is following Little Timmy SugarShorts, it actually sounds good. 4 Cowpies.

Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeene.......I'd forgotten what a cool song this is. Alexis did a fair job with it, although I could do without the whole walking down the stairs bit at the beginning of the song. Enough already, just sing the song. She played it safe which was smart this week. 5 Cowpies

Danny is the real deal. He'll screw up soon enough and I'll attack him like Kelly Clarkson at the Sizzler, but until then, he's the obvious front runner at this point. 7 Cowpies for you Danny!

Anoop is next, and in the crowd is his family. Wonder who's watching the gas station? I didn't like that version at all. Anoop is is trying his best to get sent home. 3 Cowpies, with Curry for Snoop with an A.

Megan goes a walkin....after midnight....searchin for her bra, which she apparently forgot. I'd really like her to stick around as I like a freaky tattooed blonde as much as the next guy, but she may have just warbled her last tune on this show. 4 Cowpies. With boobs.

Justin Timberlake also picked an Underwood tune. He's giving Danny a run for his money at this point for the cream of the crop. 7 Cowpies for Matt too!

Season 8!!

...and we're off! Quickie blog for now, but I'll get more in depth after the herd thins out...

First girl was stank, she was trying way too hard, and that's a shame because I liked her before.]Blind guy might also be deaf. Stay tuned.
Danny Gokey brought the house down. Crap that dude can sing. I'm sure he'll annoy me in time, but not a target for now.
Bwhite girl - Ick. She butchered this song, anytime Mariah covers it, you'd better bring it and she didn't.
Anoop - Has no business on that stage. Go make me some curry chicken, moron.
Michael Sarver - Totally underwhelmed. Good voice, but boring as crap.
Allison - Amathing voicthe for a thixtheen year old, but the lithp maketh me want to thab mythelf in the thernum.
Kris Allen - Makes dorky faces while he sings, irritating
Jorge - Super suck. Jesus, he has got the gnarliest set of ass eyes that I've seen since Models, Inc. was on TV. Sounded like Sabado Gigante. Blech.
Megan - Very amateurish, but just quirky enough that she should be around a while.
Adam - Jesus God...the douchebags called, they want their haircut back. I thought I was in trouble the whole time he sang because I was getting screamed at. Good news though, best eyebrows in the competition.
Paula is drunk as crap. I honestly believe the only way she can function is to be completely shnockered.
Matt Giraud - Pretty talented, summoning his inner Timberlake should keep him around for another week at least.
Alexis - Once you get past the wonky tooth, she's pretty darn good.