Top 10 3/25/08

Time to blog it up! I’ll get right to it…

Ramiele…sweet, sweet Ramiele. Tonight you have made me wish I was a deaf man. You are so nice to look at but you are officially out of your league as a singer. You had to scream the big part of the song, a sure sign that the key was as wrong as two men screwin. Much to Mattsz21’s chagrin, you are a prime candidate to go home.

Jason – Happy Birthday you dreadlocked freak! Leave it to you to sing a song that I’ve never heard and that you sang so blandly that I didn’t even care. I am just about done with you. You couldn’t be any more boring if you stood there without a face. You are about as interesting as penis cancer. Would it kill you to put a little heart into what you’re doing? If you’re not sure what heart is, it’s that dark lump of frigid coal on your upper left chest. The people at the nursing home are going to love you after you get your ass kicked out of here.

Syesha – That performance just made the first two singers look like they were singing through their cornholes. Definitely safe for next week and just keeps getting better and better. Nicely done.

Chikezie – Great job on one of my favorite songs ever. He’s plenty safe for next week because of some of the other idiots still hanging around.

Brooke – Still my favorite to win. She’s very genuine when she sings, you can tell it’s coming from a good place inside her. Yeah. I’m gonna leave that alone. She’s still my favorite to win it all.

Michael Johns – Blech. I am indifferent about this guy. Something doesn’t sit right with me when he sings, and I can’t really tell what it is.

Carly – What? Carly has a tattoo? Why, I never would have known that! /sarcasm. I am about over this snaggletoothed hooker and her chronic allergy to sleeves. You have a tattoo. We get it. Your song was okay until the end when you went all apeshit on the last note. You can’t win the competition when there’s 10 people left, you can only lose it. Keep stepping on your chode and you’re gonna lose it.

David – I know, he’s 17. I know, he’s just a kid. But damn, am I about sick of this little ass monkey. The aw shucks, gee whiz act has worn way, way thin and I will not shed a tear when this bag of douche is sent packing.

Kristy – Worst song choice in the history of earth. I know Simon loved it and I’ve never disagreed with him more. Sadly, your physical beauty is fading week to week. You and your Forrest Gump Jenny hair hacked your way through a cheeseball rendition of “God Bless the USA” which made me want to move to Canada.

David Cook – This song for me was like sex with a fat girl. I didn’t like it at first, but once it got going, it wasn’t so bad.

With all that being said, I think Kristy or Ramiele hit the road tonight. Thanks for reading!

P.S. No fat girls were harmed in the making of this blog.

Top 8 Girls 3/5/08

Maybe my patience with Idol is wearing thin, but I don't remember the shows being this tedious in seasons past. I am literally laboring to sit there through the whole thing. At least with long running shows like Survivor, the producers were willing to tweak the game to keep it fresh and interesting. Oh well, on to the rants.

Asia'h - Our resident apostrophe girl shocked me with her version of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." It takes guts to try and pull off what was essentially a Whitney imitation and she completely went for it, which impressed me. What did not impress me was her high-waisted grammaw pants. What in the hell was that all about? I'd hate to see her bid to win this thing get derailed because her Granny dresses her. It's okay to fall off the fashion train, just don't lay on the tracks and let it run you over. She will definitely be in the top 6 girls.

Kady - Freddie Mercury would smack this girl around and have his way with her if he weren't gay...and dead. The android that is Kady Malloy plodded her way through a Queen joint as if someone propped her wooden ass up there to sing. I've never seen anyone be less enthused about anything in my life. She's definitely out on her ass after tonight.

Amanda - In the ridiculous video entrances that Fox does for the contestants, Amanda states that her most embarassing moment was melting the house and burning down the family pool. She's still not allowed back in the trailer park. Skunk girl breaks out with "I Hate Myself For Loving You" when actually, I felt the complete opposite. I love myself for hating her. Every out of the side of her mouth song that she sings sounds the same. Even though the judges liked her last night, I think she gets shown the door. It sounds like she gargles sandpaper penises.

Carly - Okay, did I miss the memo that high-waisted, camel-toe pants were back in style? I'd said before that as long as I kept my eyes closed, she was okay to listen to. I'm even wavering on that now....and besides, if I had my eyes close, I totally would have missed that moose knuckle she was showing the whole country. I'm a little sick of her standing there and yelling at the microphone. I mean, if I wanted to be screamed at, I'd go steal purses from the Bingo Hall. I'm ready to hear something a little softer, more sophisticated, more technically proficient out of her, because I think she can deliver. We'll see.

Kristy - Her video intro said that she thought she was a dog when she was a little. I bet every boyfriend she's ever had has tried to bring back some dog like memories for her. She tried a country version of a Journey song and I didn't buy it. She keeps doing these weird things with her face that distract from her mediocre voice. She's my darkhorse pick to leave if either Kady or the skunk ape avoid the axe. Sorry Pben. Maybe after she gets the boot she'll move to Virginia and you can show her a thing or two about shooting wildlife in your backyard.

Ramiele - Matt21sz...Sir, I owe you an apology. This girl is hot. I'm not sure why it took me until last night to see it, but I finally saw it. I thought she did a great job on her song. It still amazes me that something so big can come out of a body so tiny. Maybe something big can go back into her tiny body and it'll be caught on camera. Here's hoping.

Sidenote: Paula Abdul is higher than a kite and what the heck happened to her weave? You can see the tracks in her hair. What a trainwreck this lady is.

Brooke - She is absolutely my favorite to win the whole thing. She did a great job with a classic 80's tune and took it in a unique and enjoyable direction. I'd buy her version of "Love Is A Battlefield" as a single without a doubt.

Syesha - My homegirl closed the night with some more Whitney and did a pretty good job. Her voice tends to get a little thin and sharp in the upper register, but that's being kinda nitpicky. She's definitely safe tonight.

The Girls, err Boys perform the 80's...

Never have I been more depressed about being a child of the 80's than I was last night. The entire show was a blur as horrible rendition after horrible rendition was shat onto my television screen.

Puke Menard leads us off with a version of "Wake me up" that's whinier than Tommynole3476 when his jokes fall flat. This guy's got a future as a nasal decongestion spokesman. His version of what was already a pretty shitty 80's tune made me want to kill myself. The only thing he could have done to be like George Michael's was slip off to the mens room for a quick wank with an undercover policeman. I hope he enjoyed his time on the idol stage, because it has without a doubt come to an end. Wake me up when you freaking die die. Ugh.

Why did it surprise me that Danielle was clever and saucy enough to select a song with "taint" in the title. Look, I have NO problems with what anyone does in their bedroom. I do know that if this "guy" stays around much longer, I will have to de-gay my television and living room. I guess there's something to be said for completely embracing your sweetness, as Danielle has obviously done. It's pretty sad when the 10 year old in my house says "He doesn't sound like a girl when he sings." Out of the mouths of babes... Sadly, the singing isn't good. It's a cross between a bad drag queen show and some kind of bizarro broadway. That being said, I hope you stick around, because I'll be able to write some things that will totally nail your ass. No Danny, I didn't mean it like that.

David Archuleta's American Idol adventure sponsored by Zoloft continues on...could this kid be any more depressing? He's got great talent, but he's a total freaking downer. I hope he picks up the pace next week. He's obviously safe.

Michael Johns murdered that Simple Minds song. I hated it with a passion. I thought that it didn't fit his range and he tried to do too much with it.

Chikezie was okay. He's stuck in that genre though. He looks like the fat Star Jones and Gerald Levert had a kid.

David Hernandez channels Celine and he almost pulled it off. I'm indifferent about him.

I was hoping Nicole Ritchie would run on stage and vomit on David Cook for ruining her Dad's classic "Hello." I hated it. It was a 90's grunge rock version of an 80's song. Boo.

Ladies are up tonight, here's hoping we see some unitards, feathered hair and big hoop earrings.