Idol rant for 3/27/07

Idol Rant for the week…

Kiki – Although your outfit looked like The Matrix raped the Easter Bunny, you are an outstanding singer. It didn’t take me long to recognize the fact that you weren’t about to sit back and let anyone think that Haley “Jiggles” Scarnato had bigger yammers than you do. Sally Struthers asked me to donate a dollar a day to feed 30 kids a month in Africa. One of your Kazongs could feed an entire African country for years. Lordy. On a sidenote, how in the world is Anna Nicole Smith dead and Paula Abdul still alive? I want to take some of what she’s on so bad, but I’m afraid merely possessing the stuff would kill me. I call dibs on Paula in my 2008 death pool.

Chrith Thligh – Could you lithp jutht a little bit more? It’s not necessary for you to stuff 19 piece of baloney (yeah, I know it’s bologna, piss off) in your fat ass cheeks for nourishment during the show. Your hair was cute at first, now it’s starting to look ri-damn-diculous. I don’t think your hot wife will save you, you are in my bottom three.

Gina – I didn’t like this nearly as much as the judges did. I thought her voice was thin and tinny the entire time. Her dress made her look like 10 pounds of sausage in 5 pounds of sausage skin. Because Chris sucks so bad, you get to stay out of the bottom three.

Sanjina - What…in…the…holy…hell…was that?????????? You know there was a 7/11 owner somewhere that 17 years ago violated a rooster in a seedy Pakistani Motel 6 and was like “Oh snap, he could be mine…” You definitely won’t be in the bottom three because you are so freaking ridiculous that everyone wants to see how absolutely idiotic you’ll look next week. No one is even listening to you anymore. I was on the floor laughing so hard the entire time you sang that I can’t even remember the song at all! I know that if the hair on his Sanjina mangina is as big as the hair on his head, you couldn’t get into his he-cooter with a 50 gallon barrel of astroglide and a shoehorn.
To prepare for your “performance,” you have a personal session with Gwen Stefani. You choose to sing one of her songs... (Why you didn’t select ‘I’m just a Girl’ is beyond me…thanks HP!) …so you’d think you could at least find two good brain cells to rub together to actually remember the words, but no. You piss your Huggies like a little bitch with Gwen standing right there. I don’t even hate you anymore because you make me laugh. Tell your sister I said hello. LONG LIVE SANJINA!!!


Haley – Sweater Puppy War 2007 is on and Kiki put you firmly in your place. I suggest you not smart mouth her either, lest she smack you dead in your face with one of her mammoth pendulous pancakes and knock you into the middle of next week. You and your mole are in my bottom three.

Phil – Good call on the hat to cover up that penis head of yours. Your eye shadow was phabulous. He busts out with “Every Breath You Take” and my 14 year old asks “Why is he singing a Biggie Smalls song”… Dumbass kids….

Melinda – God help her if they ever dress this girl in a turtleneck because she’s damn sure going to have to sing through the fabric… That being said, what an amazing instrument on this girl. The Black Shrek (heard that one on the radio) is here to stay and will win this competition.

Blake – Love Song by the Cure. Here’s an idea…the cure for douchebaggery would be you getting voted off. Your highlights in your hair are starting to piss me off. This just in, Paula is still higher than Cheech and Chong’s barber.

Jordin – Hey baby indeed. Great performance. She could sing the phone book and it would KICK ASS.

Chris Richardson – You chose “Don’t Speak.” I choose “Don’t Sing.” Ugh. Could you be any freaking whinier? You are the last person in my bottom three. Paula’s comments? “You’re good Chris. You’re good. Just goooood.” That’s freaking profound, you drunk ass has been. Someone wheel Paula to her dressing room.

Chrith Thligh, Chris Whiny-Ass and Haley Jiggles are in the bottom three with fat Chris going home, in my humble and unsolicited opinion.